It’s pointless me starting out by saying that I never complain, because when something isn’t to my expectations I always complain. I am British after all.
So…Out shopping with She Who Must Be Obeyed for a non-stick frying pan a few months back and I’m led to a shelf of toasters.
I agree, the toaster being pointed to – a De’Longhi Distinta – looks very modern, is finished in a nice beige (to go with our kitchen cabinet doors) and has two retro style dials. Very quickly, money changes hands and it’s smiles all-round.
Now, the fact we didn’t need a new toaster was neither here nor there. The stainless steel 4 slicer in our kitchen had served us well (given it’s only me that routinely eats toast) and it handled everything.
From thin sandwich bread (used in emergencies) to those stodgy so-called tea cakes you find everywhere (do they all come from one very boring bun plant in South Auckland?). I mean, can one actually buy an English tea cake anywhere in New Zealand?
On returning home my functional, trusty-but-tired toaster was put in the recycling bin, and the new all-singing, all-dancing beige wonder was unboxed and put in pride of place. In the fire hazard that is the toaster garage – you know, the worktop cabinet with a vertical sliding door you daren’t lower.
It’s been about 3 months now, and I am yet to obtain a golden brown, perfectly scorched slice of anything from this torturous toaster. One can’t even fit half a current bun in its slots.
While the De’Longhi Distinta looks great, its performance as a toaster is sadly lacking. You see, it makes two types of toast. Underdone, or burnt. There is no middle ground. I guess some joker called it a Distinta because it’s Italian for ‘distant, eh!’. Getting a decent slice of toast is a distant prospect.
I could cut the lawn while it warms up. Hot coffee turns tepid while its elements turn pinkish red, and some sections of the latticed heating elements even remain an icy grey. I can almost hear the toaster laughing at me.
Some bright spark decided to fit the shortest power cord I have ever seen on any kitchen appliance. Now, a short cable wouldn’t be too much of an issue, had the designer not put the crumb trays (there are two) at the rear of said toaster.
One has to pull the toaster out of its little home and unplug it to remove the trays. My old toaster had a single front loading crumb tray (eminently sensible).
In short, the De’Longhi Distinta is the worst toaster I have ever had the misfortune to own.
If it were a car, it would be a Delorean – although unreliable, it would at least be a time machine – because you need to leap forward the 20 minutes this toaster takes to warm up.
If the De’Longhi Distinta were an electric vehicle, it would be a Sinclair C5. Seems like a great idea, looks cool, but in practice it performs well below expectations, and you look like an idiot every time you go to use it.
If it were a pop song it would be The Birdy Song – seems like fun at first but after you’ve heard it a few times you want to drive your car into a wall at full speed.
Someone pass me the keys to the Ford Focus…I fancy a drive.